I think I need a personal chef...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

So everyone thought Darwin was all important when he brought up natural selection, genetics, evolution, etc. I am hoping to get some credit for my next, newly discovered theory:

In my own words: When a parent has a positive skillset, because of this, the child then inherits a negative skillset. And vice versa. 

AKA if your mom’s bad at cooking, you become a good cook (out of desire for decent meals, necessity, etc). But if you’re mom’s good at cooking, you’re screwed.  (due to laziness, the opposite of necessity, etc.) In my personal case, my mom can make desserts that make Betty Crocker jealous. Additionally, my friend once said, “Joyce, every meal at your house is like a festival.”

Therefore, when I enter the kitchen it’s a lot like Harry Potter entering Snape’s potions class: bad things immediately commence. 
On the outside chance that my end result is edible, it is definitely not enjoyable.

Perhaps the first time I realized this defect was when I was about 13 and making Ramen Noodle Soup for my sisters for lunch. I did EVERYTHING PERFECTLY on the directions – just missed the small tiny line that said “let boil for 3 minutes” and kind of just boiled them for, you know...until I remembered I was making soup. The television may or may not have been involved. I didn’t think boiling away all the broth was that big of a deal, but my sisters never let me live that one down.

Another moment when my cooking inadequacies were illuminated was when I was babysitting and asked the kids, “What do you guys want for dinner?” The 11-year-old quickly proclaimed “I got it,” and began effortlessly making pancakes. I quickly checked my reflection to see if I had “Bad Cook” tattooed on my forehead.

While watching little chef boy whipping up his miracle batter, I realized that I had never once made pancakes in my entire life. Which included over 20 years and 4 completed semesters of college. Yeah, this epiphany was not exactly the high point of my culinary career.

But things went from bad to worse when I decided to boil some pasta this fall, because I was too lazy to leave the room for dinner and too cheap to order anything. Note to self: Lazy + Cheap = Bad combo.

There was some left over pasta and sauce that my Italian boyfriend had bought and made for me the last time he visited.  He is an excellent cook (that’s an understatement) and I was pretty sure I remembered exactly how he did it….

Boiling the pasta wasn’t so bad, but then I had to drain it. We have a fancy pot with holes on the lid, so all I had to do was tip the pot over (while holding the lid in place) and drain out the boiling water. I used a couple of dish towels to protect my hands from the heat radiating off of the lid. While draining, I smelled something burning and was thinking, "I just burned the pasta. I didn't even know that was possible" when I looked to my right and noticed a giant flame inches away from my right-hand.

Usually when something bad happens (and massive flame looming dangerously close to my dominate hand = bad), I kinda freak out and throw things and stuff. Some how, this time, I kept it together - and this was the end result:

Perhaps the flame wasn't as big as I made it up to be, but still NOW not only does my cooking suck, but it’s also DANGEROUS.
Maybe the 11-year pancake prodigy is available for cooking lessons.

1 comment:

  1. hahaha! the last line is great! and you know i loved the hp reference!