Candy Hearts & Lean Pockets

Sunday, January 27, 2013

While washing dishes this morning, I was overcome with a sad thought, and not just because I was washing dishes. "I don't have much longer to eat candy hearts." Oh, the sorrows of seasonal candy. And then I realized that my sad thought was actually absolutely inaccurate because Valentine's day is still 3 weeks away and then you can get them real cheap at CVS; so through my estimations it's probably a solid month and a half before candy hearts go out of season.

So, while some people use the internet to post life milestones, I wanted to let you guys know: I have eaten a ridiculously impressive amount of candy hearts so far this year, and it's not even February. So many, in fact, that I subconsciously assumed Valentine's Day was over.

It's no secret I like candy. But, in addition to digesting truckloads of sugar yesterday - I also had a pretty solid dinner. Here's the texts showing my boyfriend's utterly impressed reaction:

I admit, Lean Pockets are an embarrassing to own, let alone consume, but I had done A LOT of cleaning yesterday so my domestic gas tank was empty. I don't eat Lean Pockets very often (for real, you guys), so I think the biggest slap in the face was seeing step number 2 when I read the instructions:

So the makers of Lean Pockets just up and assumed I'd be using a paper plate?! Really, do any other foods have the paper plate assumption? I guess that's when you know your culinary choices are the lowest of the low. Why didn't it just tell me to use a paper towel? THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ALWAYS DOES ANYWAY.

Just to spite the pocket-makers, I placed my pocket on a beautifully made fiesta-ware turquoise plate. 

On an unrelated note, I was out of paper towels. I was having some friends over last night and people kept asking "What can I bring?" and I actually asked one of my friends to bring paper towels. Which, in hindsight, is super weird. However, she did bring them. Thanks again! :) Next time, I'm totally going to use this method to get all my shopping done for me. "We're good on beer, but could you bring some Shampoo, Q Tips, and Crest toothpaste?" Fool proof plan.

As I pulled my burning plate out from the greatest of all kitchen appliances (the microwave, duh), I even considered using silver ware to eat it and washing "my meal" down with some expensive wine. So, take note, writers of microwave oven instructions. Just because I eat Lean Pockets doesn't mean I'm a classless person living in a shack. It doesn't mean my kitchen lacks REAL DISHES. I'm not sure what it means actually. But, come to think of it, it definitely doesn't mean anything good, either.

Fortunately, although my main course was offensive (and tasted bad), my dessert was a super positive experience. Every heart had some sort of uplifting compliment!

P.s. The g-key on my key board has sporadically stopped working so my emails for work say things like "Let's work on printin, faxin, and reportin" - I sure hope soundin like a lumberjack helps my professionalism. See the "soundin" in that sentence? I didn't try to do that. Legitimately every time there is a "g" in a word in this post I have typed it twice. I just want you to be aware of the incredible sacrifices I make for this blog. ;) 

P.p.s Thanks for the support on my last post. I wasn't sure if I should do a serious post, because I generally make my blog posts pretty dumb (e.g. this post), but I appreciate your "likes"! And, just so you know, when you click the little facebook "like" button below, I have absolutely no idea who you are. Some fb confidentiality thing. But I do appreciate every single like :)


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Today at work, I didn't wear earrings. This made me self-conscious all day long. It always does. I feel naked without earrings. It's amazing, because when I don't brush my hair, I'm totally unfazed.

I've had this blog for three years now and it's cathartic to periodically transcribe tidbits of my life; even if most are random glimpses of various days with no rhyme or reason, like my evident delusion that earrings drastically improve my appearance.

My first post, January 3, 2010 came just two days after I started dating my current boyfriend, Stephen. We went to Red Robin and a movie, which is basically the grandest thing you can do in central PA, especially when you're stuck at Bucknell for a tortuous slew of winter-break basketball practices. We've been dating for three years now.

One school. Four states. Two jobs. Three years.

clearly didn't brush my hair that day
So, I wanted to give a shout-out to Stephen in this post for sticking with me for one eighth of my life! (Correct me if I'm wrong, math minor. I busted out Excel for that one but you know I suck at fractions.)

I'm not going to shower him with compliments, because that's not his thing, so also an additional shout-out to all my friends out there in long distance relationships :)

This week, I was in Chicago and he was in California (both for work). So, although we are usually a 12-hour drive away from each other, we were now TWO TIME ZONES apart. Cue the violinist. I have a new found respect for people in relationships crossing time zones and certainly military couples.

First off, I just recently learned time zones. I'm serious. Next job interview:

Them: What's the most important thing you learned at your last job?
Me: Time zones and how to iron.

I must say I'm a quick learner because I've really got them down now. When I woke up at 6:30 central I was fully capable of subtracting two and realizing it was too early to text good morning. :(

I know, how nauseating that I found that sad. Keep it together, Joyce. But it gets worse, since he gets notified of my tweets via text message - I couldn't tweet until at least 9:30am. THE SACRIFICES I MAKE.

But in all seriousness - long distance is hard. There's a reason you have friends who have broken up "because of the distance." With Stephen, there's no doubt that it's worth every minute of every phone call and every penny of every plane ticket. I sincerely hope every girl I know can find a guy who treats her the way Stephen treats me.

Happy (late) 3 year anniversary, Stephen! I love you.

True Love aka The Bachelor

Monday, January 21, 2013

Do you want to feel better about your relationship? Do you want to feel like you have a firm grasp on reality? Do you want to feel like you have a very strong handle on your emotions?

Watch The Bachelor!  I got really into it after starting my job and it makes for an awesome drinking game. I recommend taking a sip when you hear the words "perfect" "journey" or "bitch."

Watching right now and pathetic girl contestant number 8 just said "I do not only want alone time with Sean, I neeeeeed alone time with Sean."

I've been watching for about 12 minutes now and have seen no less than 3 girls sobbing over their pathetic love life prospects. I think we could have a spin off when the losers go to group therapy sessions together and win some self-confidence.

Also, Kacie just said, "I am NOT a drama person. I am not." Note: this is Kacie's second season on the show. There's no way she'd make the cut if she wasn't explicitly dramatic. 

Side note: it's on my bucket list to make it on The Bachelor and then purposely contract mono.

Side note number two: this conversation just happened:

Me: How many Fun Dips do you have to eat before you have a problem?
Roommate: ONE!


At that point, I've already had one blue/green and one cherry so what's one more? I bought the 24 Valentine's pack (above) which might have been appropriate if I were a fourth grader and my teacher was hosting a Valentine's party at school and I was planning to pass them out to my 9 year-old peers.

I suppose if The Bachelor contestants were watching a reality show about my life they would make fun of me too. They'd probably even write a mocking blog about me. If they were literate.

But I still think any girl who doesn't get a rose from Sean should at least get a free account.

Or, maybe a real date with Manti Te'o? If the NFL draft doesn't go well, he totally has a future in reality dating shows. 

Being an Adult

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The more adult things I do, the more I realize again and again: my parents did so much for my sisters and me. I'm reminded of it every time I contemplate generating a non-microwaveable meal. But, it's more than just cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, and doctor-appointment scheduling that they did for us.

We also had something else every single year of my life: Real Christmas Trees. Just thinking of all the work that went into it makes me want to convert to Judaism. 24 real Christmas trees in 24 years. If my mom wasn't winning the lifetime best mom award before this fact was proclaimed, she's now a shoo-in.

looks like a mess-free holiday to me!
My roommate got our tree this year - she and her boyfriend set it up = no work for me! 

Then, since we're really on top of things, on January 6th we decided to take it down and I wanted to help since I didn't help set it up. You know, un-trim it, drag it out of our apartment and down three flights of stairs to the dumpster.

I know, I know, the dumpster is totally not the right place to put a dead Christmas tree. But you know what, I'm a rule-follower but not a "dispose of my Christmas tree properly" rule-follower.

our tree in our apt
I climb the stairs back to my apartment and realize: it's like the Christmas tree hadn't really left! To say there were PINE NEEDLES EVERYWHERE is the understatement of the year.

There were pine needles in crevices that I didn't know existed. There were pine needles in pine needles in crevices in crevices. It was like inception, but instead of staring at Leonardo DiCaprio you're staring at the messiest carpet imaginable. It reminded me of the time flour conquered my kitchen, except painful to step on.

Do you know how bad pine needles hurt when you step on them at the wrong angle? I'm talking stepping-on-a-LEGO pain.

I know what you're going to say: why didn't you vacuum them? Well, aren't you just a professional adult with all the answers.

favorite ornament at home
Trust me. I tried. And then it broke/clogged my vacuum to the point where my vacuum was actually vomiting pine needles onto the carpet. Anti-vacuuming, if you will. So then I'd hand-pick up needles, try vacuuming again, clog my vacuum again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Handpick, handpick, handpick. Needle after needle after needle. My roommate was helping, too. As was another friend who happened to drop by at a time that was incredibly unfortunate for her hands.

Let me be clear: I have a top-of-the-line vacuum. If a robber came into our apartment, they would go straight for my vacuum. Then probably my yoga pants.

Yep, my yoga pant collection and my vacuum are more expensive than anything else I own. Probably except for my laptop. But my laptop is up for grabs! Does anyone want it? It gets 4,000 work emails a day and has a collection of terribly boring documentation that makes reading Beowulf in Old English seem rivoting. I've done that before. In case there was any doubt in your mind: IT REALLY SUCKS. Actually come to think of it, does anyone have an extra pair of lulu lemon 10 tall yoga pants they want to trade for my laptop? 

My boyfriend recently asked me "How many pairs of yoga pants do you need?" which is similar to saying "How much oxygen do you need?" or "How many episodes of Downton Abbey do you need to watch today?" 

Back to the Christmas tree clean up fiasco: hours (and days) later, our carpet is no longer a minefield of dead needles. It is clear of all evidence that any evergreen ever spontaneously exploded in our living room. 

And I am clear of any and all desire to ever again purchase a real Christmas tree. Never again. In the words of a quite profound T-Swift: "Never ever ever."

Why you should unfriend me

Monday, January 7, 2013

Recently, I've been thinking about going on a facebook "cleanse." You know, where you don't log into facebook for a month. I like pretending I possess the will power to do that. Says the girl who's never eaten less than four Oreos in one sitting.

I'm not exactly sure why this cleansing idea appeals to me. On an unrelated note, I've drawn the conclusion that I would rather die alone as a cat lady than ever get professional engagement photos.

If you've recently posted engagement photos, I assure you that it's absolutely normal, and they are quite pretty. Honestly. I am the one with the problem, not you. TRUST ME. See all 143 previous blog posts for proof.

Back to the point of this post: if you're bulimic, why use a toothbrush when your newsfeed is free? You can't honestly tell me that your newsfeed doesn't annoy you more often than not. Unless I'm just the most irritable person on the planet, which is extremely probable.

For example, does anyone else get annoyed by excessive niceness? On a plane the other day, the girl seated by me asked a guy to put her coat in the overhead compartment. It took him approximately 22 seconds to complete the requested task. And then she thanked him as if he had just died on the cross for our sins. He literally STOOD UP. He did not give you one million dollars. If that's the standard you have to offer profuse thanks, you have a distorted view of reality. Have you ever actually needed help?

Anyway, one thing I'd truly miss about facebook is going through my friends' weekend pictures and realizing that basically everyone on the social network is cooler than I am. I think this was only illuminated by New Years Eve -- where everyone goes all out, at least in their documentation.

At least on a normal Friday night if I stay in, drink wine and read Game of Thrones or Harry Potter I can say the next morning: "Oh really, you went to four bars in New York City in a Gucci dress with 17 friends in a limo? Well, Dumbledore's still alive in this book. SUCK IT."

But in the days after NYE, as I perused photos of acquaintances I came to the sad realization, "Well, shit. Most of my friends didn't spend their NYE dancing with crepe paper while wearing yoga pants."

I also came to another devastating epiphany thanks to NYE photos: you guys, I think lipstick is coming back in style.

Conversation on the phone with my boyfriend about said travesty:

Me: It looks like lipstick is coming back in style, so I think I'm going to have to get a sex change.
Him: Joyce, don't you think you could do something a little less, I don't know, DON'T wear lipstick?
Me: But then I wouldn't be "in." I obviously have to be "in."
Him: Hygiene's been "in" for a while and that hasn't impacted you.

He has a point, so I think I'll steer clear of any drastic surgeries for the time being.

But, lipstick? Seriously? As if drying my hair and wearing strapless bras isn't torture enough? I can't remember when the last time lipstick was in, but I'm pretty sure women couldn't vote then. Also, through my unofficial estimations I'm guessing lipstick is probably somewhere between $18-$51 a tube and that's 18 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers I'd rather eat. Or, better yet, approximately 94 Oreos. That's like 8 separate sittings.

You Say You Want a Resolution

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I hope everyone had Christmases full of love and excessive amounts of cookies. My trip home included great food, presents, Church, painting, and a wedding! All with family and friends.

note the classic Christmas squirrel cookie cutter
With 2013 upon us, I'm going to share a few suggestions for inspiration for resolutions because you can be more creative than "eat healthier" "work out more" and "be nicer."

Resolution ideas:

1. Sponsor A Child - I did this last year and really enjoyed it (will continue sponsoring Lizbeth in Mexico this year!) I encourage you to check out World Vision's Child Sponsorship Program - it's $35/month which you can quickly set up via auto-pay, and they mail you chances to send your child personalized greetings. I blogged about WV before - my mom is super involved volunteering there in Pittsburgh, and it's a great charity!

Also - bonus, it's what I like to call a "seated resolution" - no standing or altering your diet involved. HOLLER.

2. Start a Blog - I'm personally a big fan of resolutions because I started this blog as a New Year's resolution 3 years ago! I can't believe it's been so long, or that anyone ever reads it. You guys rock. Blogging provides a creative outlet for me, and has helped me do better at putting things in perspective (something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember.)

3. Run five 5k's in 2013 - This is mine this year. I like it because it's more concrete than "go to the gym more" and it will hopefully encourage me to consistently workout throughout the year. Also, I miss competitive athletics, so hopefully I can beat some people too. Even if it's just the pregnant people pushing strollers.

4. Stop Buying Clothes - I'm not sure if I can quit cold turkey...but I am determined to make many goodwill trips! Once you reach the point in life where you have a nice wardrobe and you stop growing, this is a great way to save money and time. In terms of clothes, I may make the resolution to never wear a strapless bra again. I wore one this past weekend, and although the dress was pretty, I think it's safe to assume the person who invented the strapless bra also invented the guillotine. Once you've mastered severe torture devices, execution machines are the next logical step.

5. 101 in 1001 List - Check out my Bucknell classmate Mackenzie's blog where she studiously tracks her goals in this format: 101 things she wants to do in 1001 days! It's a nice hybrid between a to-do list and a bucket list, and I'm considering making one of my own.

Happy 2013!