Bitter is the New Black

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I'm spending another night alone in my Oklahoma hotel room with a microwaveable dinner. That sounds like either the start of a really bad country song or the premise of a hit E! reality television show.

I mentioned in my last post that I follow some fashion blogs.  The Pumpkin Spot (by my boyfriend's sister) and Design Darling (by a Bucknell classmate) are my two favorites, and they each are upbeat with their unique styles.

However, I think there could be a niche market for a fashion blogger who actually knows nothing about fashion but specializes in being a sarcastic bitch. So that's what I'm going for tonight (it's weird, but there's not much going on in Ardmore...). Wherein I pretend to be a fashion blogger:

Hello fashionable followers! While browsing J. Crew and ShopBop I came across 7 fashion picks that were just too perfect not to post.  :) I added them all to my inexistent pinterest (after rush delivering them!) and you should, too:


Why dress up like Dr. Quinn the medicine woman only on halloween when you can wear this wide leg jumpsuit bi-weekly? It's like a Denver Broncos-colored plaid recipe for success. The only problem is, I have so may wide leg jump suits I might have to donate one to goodwill to make room for this new one in my closet! For a mere $695 you can't afford not to buy it.  


Everyone knows J. Crew's specialty is selling ordinary clothing for extraordinary prices, but if I ever buy a white turtleneck for $50 can somebody please intervene by checking me into an insane assylum? Or, if I ever wear any turtleneck can someone please intervene by shooting me?

No one over the age of 5 looks good in a turtle neck unless you're BeyoncĂ© in THIS VIDEO 


The only thing potentially less flaterring than a turtleneck is a romper. At least you can wear a hoodie over a turtle neck and still look respectable. Through my estimations, about 13% of the general population look naturally good in rompers. Keep in mind that if the model looks awkward, you're probably not going to rock it better than someone who earns a living by wearing clothing. Also keep in mind that rompers are the rich-man's halter top.


Right when you thought overalls were exclusively for white trash mixers, Shop bop comes out with a $350 steal. Perfect to wear while driving your tractor, browsing local flea markets, or painting your guest room. The convenient Capri-length makes these versatile for all seasons. In the wintery months, pair this with the J. Crew white turtle neck for what I like to call "The worse possible use of 400 dollars."


When you run out of toilet paper and you're considering wiping your butt with $40, you're going to think to yourself "Why don't I have a multi-colored paisley silk square I could use instead in this dreadful scenario?!" And you're going to regret not buying this.


 Who says Zenon the girl of the 21st century isn't a trend-setter? For only half a grand, you could rock this tin-man inspired look. Just do be careful not to wear them on a "gold" jewelry day!


 I can't imagine any professional situation when I wouldn't want to be wearing J. Crew's $695 melon sequins skirt -- unless, of course, I'm wearing the "sunset gold" rendition. The good thing about the latter is I can fearlessly eat hotdogs dripping with mustard! The good thing about the former is, as long as I don't leave the house while wearing it, I can't imagine anyone making fun of me for it.

Hope you enjoyed my picks! :) At least you can feel good about yourself for all the money you didn't spend on the above items. Also, note that I got the title to this post from one of my favorite memoirs: Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office by Jennifer Lancaster.

She actually had a 6 word story contest where I earned honorable mention! (I blog brag about it in this post from April 2011)

I recommend reading it (and any of her books) if you like the "sarcastic bitch" voice. I know I do!

Fashion Forward

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

My twin sister visited Madison - and since she's been threatening to submit my name to  What Not To Wear we went on a shopping spree so I could "revamp my wardrobe."

Surprising fact about me: I religiously follow a couple of fasion blogs. I would endorse them here and all, but that's kind of like an obese person saying "You should totally check out my gym, you guys!" between bites of potatoe chips.

Last week I went 3 days straight without brushing my hair because I thought I lost my brush while traveling (turns out I didn't look hard enough in my suitcase....oops). That's unrelated to fashion blogs, but I just thought the public sphere should know what a great catch I am and start envying my boyfriend.

So, while out and about, my sister noticed my belt and decided a twintervention was necessary:

"Joyce, is that a ribbon belt from Aeropostale?"


"Joyce, we wore that in 6th grade, you need to get rid of it immediately!!!!!"

The funny thing is, a co-worker had noticed it recently and said, "Wow, I think I had that in pink, like, legitamitely 12 years ago." to which I responded, "Me too." (I don't know what happened to my pink rendition :( I also had it in white with multi colored hearts.)

Becky won the twintervention, and I bought a replacement belt at Lands' End....nothing says maturity like going from Aeropostale to Lands End, I suppose. Now if only I could go from hot dogs to salads. And fruit snacks to veggies.

However, I feel that a part of my childhood slowly slipped away as I disposed of my last remaining Aero item:

wasn't even worthy of Goodwill

Remember when anything with a sparkly 87 made you cool? And, if you wanted to be more mature you wore the powder blue pull over fleece with Aeropostale in cursive in the upper right corner. And, oh my gosh, I love how this shirt has a random name of a fictitious place I totally need it because Britney wore one like it, but in pink, to 5th period computer lab yesterday:

American Eagle -- I got rid of this within the last month. Equally embarrassing.
Also, I can't figure out how to rotate this picture.

In addition to my belt, I bought 3 sweaters. One from J. Crew, one from Banana Republic and one from Francesca's....and, let me tell you, they are super useful down here in Oklahoma, y'all.

All in all, I appreciate the fashion help (shout out to a cool twin sister!) People often ask me if I like having a twin, which, for the record, is a really stupid question because I don't know anything else. I always feel like retorting "Do you like not having a twin? And exisiting independentely of a twin? Do you like your life?" But, the answer is a resounding yes, having a twin rocks, and I kind of feel bad for anyone who doesn't. Yep, I pity a majority of the general population. Who's going to tell you when you need to ditch your ribbon belt from 2001?!

Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain

Sunday, September 23, 2012

I'm spending the week in Ardmore, Oooooklahoma. That's one of those statements where, if I reached the end of my life and never got to say it, I would be perfectly content.

Kind of like the sentences "I just dropped my cell phone in the toilet" and "I waited 27 hours for the cable guy" and "I drove 2 miles in 2 hours"

Now that I think about it, this blog may be nothing but a vessel to hold such sentences.

Anyway, Ardmore! So far, it's about exciting as anticipated. Meaning, I have a view of an IHOP out of my hotel window and opted to eat Lean Cuisine for my reiumbursable dinner.  Also, on the drive from DFW airport to Ardmore, I saw more pick up trucks in an hour and a half than I have seen cumulatively over the course of my life to date. It's bound to be a fun week.

I don't know much about Ardmore, but I'm guessing it will be hot this week. The reason I'm only guessing is I never check the weather.

That's only a bit of an understatement. I bet I check the weather an average of 1.5 times a year. I don't even glance at the weather app on my iPhone. I just keep it around because the sun is pretty and I can pretend it's always 73. There's two reasons I don't check the weather:

1. It seems everyone else in the world does, so I pawn off the work on them.
2. I don't really care what the weather is.

Reason #1 is always true. It's totally appropriate to talk to total strangers about the weather, and also helps you seem friendly and outgoing, so why not put the responsibility on them? Also, that way, if the weather's dead wrong, which it often is, you don't feel like you've been scammed by meteorology experts who've spent their entire lives trying to perfect weather prediction. It's much more comforting for me to think, "Maybe my dentist's secretary was confused." than "Turns out the weather man is a f*ckin liar."

Reason #2 is almost always true. The rare exception being if weather is going to delay a personal flight. For example, I'm going to wear the same grey dress pants, black shoes, and maroon shirt that I wore on site for my last 23 work trips tomorrow whether it's 50 degrees or 98 degrees. (However, my sister visited for the past two weekends and helped me "revamp" my wardrobe - post on that to come wherein I pretend to be a fashion blogger :) )

When I think about the weather, I always think of this Panic! At the Disco song lyric:

"I know it's sad, that I never gave a damn about the weather, and it never gave a damn about me."

The song's called Do You Know What I'm Seeing? and it's from the Panic! album called Pretty Odd ... although Rap and Country are my two favorite music genres, I love this CD, probably because it reminds me of my youngest sister who loved Panic! for quite some time. (and yes, I actually still have the physical copy of the burned CD in my car because I think it's 1995 and multi-CD players are cutting-edge technology.)

Coincidentally, that quote is actually exactly how I feel about politics, too. [Although a few readers (aka friends) have requested I write a post on politics...I'm considering writing it, but I like to be liked.]

Other than it likely being hot, not sure what to expect from Ardmore - my customer actually goes live tomorrow (woo hoo!) so I'm sure it will be a busy week. Hopefully I'm not distracted by all the crazy landscapes around here. Here's some pictures I snapped last time I was driving around the state of OK for work (between OKC and El Reno):

for the record, my co-worker and I tried to find Garth Brooks' home...but failed.

So, as long as the scenery calms down I should be able to focus on my go live :) Hope you all have great, or at least, tolerable, weeks :)

p.s. you should all check out the Oklahoma link above if you're intested in seeing Hugh Jackman in musical mode before his Wolverine days.