I'm spending another night alone in my Oklahoma hotel room with a microwaveable dinner. That sounds like either the start of a really bad country song or the premise of a hit E! reality television show.
I mentioned in my last post that I follow some fashion blogs. The Pumpkin Spot (by my boyfriend's sister) and Design Darling (by a Bucknell classmate) are my two favorites, and they each are upbeat with their unique styles.
However, I think there could be a niche market for a fashion blogger who actually knows nothing about fashion but specializes in being a sarcastic bitch. So that's what I'm going for tonight (it's weird, but there's not much going on in Ardmore...). Wherein I pretend to be a fashion blogger:
Why dress up like Dr. Quinn the medicine woman only on halloween when you can wear this wide leg jumpsuit bi-weekly? It's like a Denver Broncos-colored plaid recipe for success. The only problem is, I have so may wide leg jump suits I might have to donate one to goodwill to make room for this new one in my closet! For a mere $695 you can't afford not to buy it.
Everyone knows J. Crew's specialty is selling ordinary clothing for extraordinary prices, but if I ever buy a white turtleneck for $50 can somebody please intervene by checking me into an insane assylum? Or, if I ever wear any turtleneck can someone please intervene by shooting me?
No one over the age of 5 looks good in a turtle neck unless you're Beyoncé in THIS VIDEO
The only thing potentially less flaterring than a turtleneck is a romper. At least you can wear a hoodie over a turtle neck and still look respectable. Through my estimations, about 13% of the general population look naturally good in rompers. Keep in mind that if the model looks awkward, you're probably not going to rock it better than someone who earns a living by wearing clothing. Also keep in mind that rompers are the rich-man's halter top.
Right when you thought overalls were exclusively for white trash mixers, Shop bop comes out with a $350 steal. Perfect to wear while driving your tractor, browsing local flea markets, or painting your guest room. The convenient Capri-length makes these versatile for all seasons. In the wintery months, pair this with the J. Crew white turtle neck for what I like to call "The worse possible use of 400 dollars."
Hope you enjoyed my picks! :) At least you can feel good about yourself for all the money you didn't spend on the above items. Also, note that I got the title to this post from one of my favorite memoirs: Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office by Jennifer Lancaster.
She actually had a 6 word story contest where I earned honorable mention! (I blog brag about it in this post from April 2011)
I recommend reading it (and any of her books) if you like the "sarcastic bitch" voice. I know I do!