6 Questions for Life's Most Important Search (for your Signature Scent)

Monday, November 24, 2014

If there's one thing beauty blogs have taught me, it's the importance of signature scents.  Since I am the physical embodiment of outer beauty, it may hard to believe that I often (gasp) leave the apartment without even a hint of perfume.* It's just -- much like my life's calling or, you know, my ultimate purpose -- my signature scent is elusive. And although Walmart and Bath & Body Works filled that gap when I needed a little somethin' somethin' for middle school dances, I have graduated into a world where my sought-after scent is neither easily found nor cheaply purchased.

(To be honest, the second I had outgrown the kid's glitter section at B&BW, a lot of the store's appeal was gone.)
But, no fear, flocks of eager young ladies (or gentlemen) on your belaboring search for the perfect scent! I've put together a fool-proof round of questions to guide you on your quest. Ask yourselves these 6 questions, and you won't be led astray when making one of life's most important decisions:

1. Am I allergic to this perfume? I was spending hours searching for my soul-scent the other day (read: walking quickly through Nordstrom Rack), when I past a Burberry display. I once had a counterfeit Burberry purse hastily purchased on the streets of Manhattan, so I figured, why not give it a spritz? When I started having a sneezing attack on my drive home, I knew who to blame. It doesn't matter how good you smell, if you're sneezing, people will not draw close to you.

2. Will this perfume give me a rash? I've never gotten a rash from a perfume, but I have to assume it's possible. Studies show perfume is basically made from the extracts of exotic flowers, chemicals, animal products, toxic waste, and, you know, poison. A rash is not a far-fetched possibility. Be forewarned and steer clear of rash-inducing sprays. No matter how your nostrils react, a neck rash is never classy.**

3. At least 60% of the time, will it work every time? This one's a given. If the statistics aren't at least as convincing as those infamously stated on Anchorman, the scent is just not worth your time, money, effort, or secret storage closet.

4. When watching ads for this perfume, is anyone clothed? If the ad for your special scent contains predominately clothed beings, is it really worth it? The truly good perfume ads are essentially X-rated. Do you really want to be associated with a scent that encourages modesty, conservative style, or (gasp) platonic relationships? If your scent doesn't draw flocks of possible mates to your door, like ants swarming spilled sour patch kids on the sidewalk, it really doesn't deserve to be called your signature.

5. Does the bottle look more expensive than most things in my home? Everyone knows inner beauty is for amateurs, so do you really want a signature scent that only smells good? Absolutely not. Your scent needs not only to smell good, but also to sit on a mirror tray and make your bathroom look so much better the value of your house increases. 

6. Do I need to take out debt to purchase this scent? Let's be real, if you can afford it, it's probably not good enough to be your scent-mate. Much like if the guy likes you back, could he really be your soulmate? Just as love is only real if it's unrequited and consistently dramatic and difficult, your signature scent is worth the fight. Taking out debt to acquire your perfect scent is not only highly likely, it's highly recommended.

Now that you are guarded with these exceptional questions to light your way, go forth and sample, my friends. 


*and sometimes unshowered.
**a neck tattoo on the other hand? Always classy. I recommend praying hands or an ambiguous Chinese character.