the worst part of Biz Cas / a challenge to fashion bloggers

Sunday, May 5, 2013

I pretend to be a lot of things, but fashionable is not one of them. I'm all about comfort and dropping big bucks on the occasional pair of lululemon pants, but thus far I haven't been featured in any fashion blogs as an inspiration for others. And trust me, I would know. I Read. Them.Constantly.

I appreciate fashion in a weird way considering how little I show it in my wardrobe (I think Meryl's legendary monologue about cerulean in The Devil Wears Prada is where my respect for fashion stemmed.) But there's one piece of clothing I just don't understand. It's mere existence baffles me.

Pantyhose. Aka Nylons. Aka the single worse thing to ever happen to the business casual dress code since padded shoulders.

So, I challenge you fashion bloggers with this question: WHY? 

Just thinking about putting them on makes me want to put in my notice and start training to become an astronaut. Because a SPACE SUIT looks SIGNIFICANTLY MORE COMFORTABLE.

I recently had to wear some for a work trip, and have you guys ever seen the sizing charts on nylons?

Oh, that's right. They actually assume that no woman would ever be above 6 feet tall. That's not just the one off "I still live in the 1920's and have never heard that girls can now dunk" brand. It's. Every. Single. Brand. Are the makers of pantyhose not familiar in anyway with the modeling industry?

Due to these sizing limitations and being six feet and two inches of solid joy, I get to pick my flavor of discomfort. Should I get the tights made for people who weigh twice as much as I do and try to stretch them vertically, all the while knowing they'll likely fall off my waist at any second OR the ones that fit my waist but  the crotch threatens to be dangerously near to my knees and restricts my range of motion so much that I have to significantly shorten my naturally long strides when walking and hobble around like a penguin?

OR, start wearing space suits on the reg?

so. me.
Regardless of my unique height scenario, let's now operate under the false assumption that I have the option of buying a pair of "hose" that fit. What is the purpose? Considering that we now live and work in climate-controlled buildings, the "warmth" argument is out.

As far as business dress code, I'm not buying it. Do my legs look drastically more professional when covered in an arguably imperceptible sheer layer that is the same color as my skin? 

Also: let's talk quality of product. Pantyhose are like the plastic spoons of the closet. In theory, you could reuse them if you washed them but they're just going to break soon anyway and clearly weren't made to last. Is there a world record holder somewhere who once wore the same pair twice in a row without getting a run in them? 

In sum, due to the fact that wearing a three-piece suit made of exclusively pine needles would be more comfortable, the overall poor quality of the product, and the fact that the manufacturer's do not acknowledge that any woman over 6 feet tall exists, unless a astute fashion blogger can prove me otherwise, I say: let's get rid of them. Remove them from your wardrobe, burn them in the streets. Improve your work environment ever so slightly by either wearing pants or (gasp) bare legs to work. And, if presented the option, lululemon yoga pants are the answer for the most appropriate workplace attire.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Ugh it's messing up my comments. I said, I think you need to invest in knee-highs (calf-highs?) with pants and thigh-highs (above-the-knee-highs?) for skirts--or just do what I did and say no more pantyhose ever ;)

  3. OK. As someone who wears scrubs to my real job, I can't say that I understand, but it must be frustrating as hell. The sizing on those things looks like an 8th grade art project gone bad. I do think it is a more professional look (pantyhose) and we can point the finger at Kate Middleton for bringing them back in style. I can't say I'd be excited to wear them, but if you must, how about knee-highs? CVS sells them for pretty cheap. Maybe check out Nordstrom for a "comfy" pair- if that's even possible. If not, screw it. You won't be offending anyone that hasn't been living under a rock for the past 10-20 yrs. Except maybe the Queen of England...
    The Pumpkin Spot