Maybe Victoria's secret is a lie

What can I say about shopping for a bra that hasn't already been said about navigating the nine circles of hell?

Generally speaking, I think the entire industry is a racket. Every time I go to Victoria's Secret, they desperately try to convince me I'm a different size. Even though for the last decade of my life I have been a consistent 36B.

"Oh no, I think you're a 34C!" They say while forcing a 34C into my dressing room, putting it on the largest possible setting, and insisting I try it on for a surely forthcoming life-altering experience.

And as I begrudgingly emerge from the dressing room the Victoria Secret angel is all, "It's perfect! Isn't it better wearing a size that fits you? Most women are wearing the wrong bra size, you know."

And I'm all "I can't breathe."

Perhaps the size I've been wearing since I was 16 will work? Maybe I am one of those few rare, precious females who is, you know, WEARING THE RIGHT SIZE?

I know it's like a one in a million chance I could possibly know what size clothes I wear without the assistance of an associate who is currently wearing more makeup than I cumulatively own.

But, come to think of it, I've been wearing the same shoe size since I was 16 too. And shirt size. Why is your product so mysterious I need to have a scantily clad stranger wrap me in a tape measure each time I enter your store? And, if most women are wearing the wrong bra size, and most women are listening to you when choosing their bra size, at some point doesn't that suggest that you're sending inconsistent messages? It's almost like you're just convincing us to buy more products. Wait a minute...

Fun fact: there are a lot of sizes that are almost exactly the same. This is actively used against you to make you feel like an ill-informed helpless loser who couldn't possibly pick her own undergarments without the guiding light of your Victoria's Secret guardian angel. For example: a 32C and a 36A are almost the exact same thing. Especially depending on how you adjust the band. Weird, right?

"8 out of 10 women are wearing the wrong bra size" is a mantra shouted from the tops of the fashion world, trying to make plebeians shell out handfuls of hard-earned cash in a desperate attempt to be included in the 20% of womankind who know what they're doing.

But you know what? It's the 21st century. Gone are the days when women spent their lives mending the socks of their hardworking husbands à la Death of a Salesman. Thousands of women are graduating college each year and making waves in the workforce. I just think there's a chance those same females may have figured out what size of clothing they wear on a daily basis.

So I'm going to go out on a limb and make this claim: 8 out of 10 women are probably wearing the right bra size, and 8 out of 10 Victoria's secret sales people are probably lying to you.

And that is my latest conspiracy theory.