Remember my resolution is to run five 5k's this year? Well, I did one! So, come December 31 at most I can be an 80% failure. Holler!

I decided to partake in the "Shamrock Shuffle" on St. Patty's Day - and let me take this opportunity to remind you that I live in Antarctica. The tundra. The North. Within a glacier. Beyond the Wall. Azkaban.

Bottom line: brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Rather than train, I prepared for said race by purchasing super expensive running pants from Lu Lu Lemon (I don't think they're see through) and downloading 3 new jams.

Trying to stay warm in the 18 degree weather before the race began, I took comfort in a previous frigid 5k adventure.

lining up on state street!

 Last winter, I agreed to run a Valentine’s Day 5k with one of my friends. It was 9 degrees outside. I write it off as one of the worst (sober) decisions of my life.

In the frigid chill of the top of the morning Saturday, I kept holding on to that day. Surprisingly, repeating It’s twice as warm as it was then over and over did not keep my fingers from feeling like they were going to fall off.  Life conclusion #1: the theory of relativity only relatively works.

Life conclusion #2:  I need to start celebrating holidays by doing something other than exercising.

Regardless, I started the race strong. In typical “I used to play basketball” fashion, my first mile was decently fast, and my second only slightly slower.

It was almost as if my muscles haven’t been atrophying every day since graduation. Almost.

Since running at a decent pace was getting kind of old, I decided that, rather than run the third mile, I would crawl backwards to the finish line. It was truly a joy, because I got to watch everyone that I passed during the first two miles pass me. It was almost like we were becoming friends. Almost.

Life conclusion #3: next time, buy more new songs. Turns out I can’t run a 5k in the time it takes to play “Gold Digger” “Thrift Shop” and “Call Me Maybe.”

One little girl was friendly to me, though. As I was running up a huge hill (side note: there are ZERO hills in Madison. I think they had them man-made just to torture me in this race), I began to walk, and she grabbed my hand briefly as she ran by and said "you can do it." I found the gesture really sweet, and surprisingly inspirational. I followed her to the finish line, and thanked her after the race. If you've never run a 5k, you should. The atmosphere is overall so positive! Everyone is encouraging and cheering one another on. 4,500 people were racing on Saturday, and the culture was nothing but upbeat and supportive, despite the frigid temperatures. It's like being on a team sport with 4,500 people where no one loses :)

I also found it motivating when the guy in the hot dog costume almost passed me in the last half mile. I may have no endurance, but I have dignity! Hope you all enjoyed your St. Patrick's Days!

No Pope, No Rules

I am Christian, but even though I've never practiced Catholicism, I am still wholeheartedly participating in this tumultuous time in the religious world. I know what you're thinking: Joyce, I can't even tell there's no Pope. But then you'd be missing out on the most socially acceptable time in history to explicitly take oral contraceptives. Also, if there's ever been a time to eat meat on Fridays during Lent: this is it! Because it's a proven fact that everyone likes pepperoni pizzas better than fish, especially on Fridays.

let's be honest

How can I make such a blanket statement when there are hundreds of vegetarians (and even pescetarians) out there running a muck? Proof of my point is, if everyone didn't like meat more, vegetarians wouldn't have to make such a big deal about their vegetarianism. There would just exist these people who didn't eat meat but also didn't label it. Catch my drift? I don't eat croutons. But you don't hear me screaming it from the roof tops.

I'd like to see a reality TV show that attempts to hunt down secret vegetarians and vegans who don't remind you about it at every breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

But now I'm making fun of people with unusual eating habits and I've strayed from mocking Catholicism - back to our Pope conundrum!

I was watching the news this weekend (not on purpose, came on right after basketball ), and they were talking about how the Vatican is trying to get a new Pope because they must be under the impression that someone cares about this. I mean I totally volunteered and stuff, but apparently they found out about the one time I stole Skittles in third grade. 

Anyway, there was an awesome quote that went something like "These religious leaders will be meeting in the next few days to have what they like to call discussions."

I like that our religious leaders aren't having just plain "discussions" but are holding "what they like to call discussions." So. Much. More. Devout. Therefore, I'm determined to use this tactic to increase the perception of my overall importance in life.

Example A: "Regarding that issue, I will send you what I like to call an email."

Additionally, I saw this baller tweet from Steve Martin:

Moral of the story: using the above strategies, my life anecdotes are becoming exponentially more fascinating.

Example B: In my highly anticipated trip to the hotel's fitness center, I ran what I like to call a mile.

Example C: In my highly anticipated first blog post of March, this is what I like to call the end.