Last week I rented a car for the 985th week in a row. This time, my co-worker and I were driving for an hour as it was getting darker and darker and we couldn't figure out how to turn the lights on. We could either have Brights on or darkness. Don't worry, she consulted the manual.

Then, when I stopped for gas I accidentally popped the hood rather than the gas tank. I'm thinking of working in a garage for my next job because I'm such a natural. I clearly have bad rental car karma after venting in my last post.

I've taken a ton of fall shots around Madison - and wanted to share them in this post. Also, recently I read Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower and saw the movie (directed by Chbosky.) I loved both. Obviously, the book more. But the movie included Emma Watson and Pittsburgh so I definitely enjoyed it too!

I love reading -- and have posted a few times about books I've read [here and here and here and here]. But this is my favorite in a while, and I kind of talk about it/recommend it non-stop. So I'm soaring to new levels of annoying! Go me.

I decided to disperse fall pictures with quotes from the book. My English major self may secretly miss writing essays (sorry the below aren't in parenthetical citations or footnotes.) Enjoy :)

"And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

"Maybe these are my glory days, and I'm not even realizing it because they don't involve a ball."

"I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other." [on families]

"It’s much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have French fries with your mom be enough."

"You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things."

"It’s like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you’re happy, too."



The pictures above are from a few places -- the tree in front of the brick building (my little sister's dorm!) is from Grove City College, the apples and pumpkins are from a farm in my home town near Pittsburgh, and the rest are from Madison.

I'm torn between whether fall or spring is my favorite season. There's something both depressing and promising about fall, which is probably why I like it so much. On the one hand, it's getting colder, summer's over, and, quite literally, everything is dying. On the other hand, hoodies and scarves become appropriate, the air is brisk, it's my birth-season (is that a stretch? I use birth-week and birth-month all the time, because I'm secretly 5, but can I start using birth-season, too?), and the holidays are approaching! Also, when I look at the colorful trees and the leaves falling as I walk around down town, I don't think of them as dying. I think of how beautiful change can be.

DFW > MSN

When I tell people I travel for work, I get one of two responses. The people who don't travel for work picture me on the beach with a sangria and proclaim "That's awesome! How exciting! I wish I traveled for work!"

And the people who do travel for work look at me knowingly and envision me fighting with a gate agent. Winning, obviously.

Due to these responses, I've come to the conclusion that most people have an unrealistic ratio in their minds of cool places in the world to lame places in the world. Pictures from last week scattered throughout this post. (Note the lack of palm trees.)



two frog's cafe



Alley Cafe



I've never written a blog in an airport before but I have an hour and a half before my flight and I already ate a shitty 20 dollar salad and almost got run over by a people moving cart (literally, I jumped 5 feet in the air when he turned his siren on one inch behind me), so I figured blogging would be safer than wandering the dangerous paths of terminal B fearing death. Or worse, delays.

 I've blogged about how much I love traveling in August. And actually, way back when of March 2011. I like that post because I'm so angry, and looking back, it was just a typical terrible flight. I just didn't know any better since I was then a member of the first group of people referenced above.



I hate most aspects of traveling, including packing, obviously. One area I haven't complained about publically yet: rental cars. It's my goal to complain openly about as many topics as possible. Maybe you don't think rental cars are that bad, but you are wrong.

 First off - I hate driving. So I'm already biased towards rental cars. Second off, I have a terrible sense of direction. I was walking back to my home health wing from the bathroom today and I got lost in the hospital. It was my 8th day there. Side note: I'm pretty sure a nun helped me back. (Do nuns always have to wear those black things on their heads? If so, it wasn't a nun.)

But still, some things suck consistently regardless of my inept driving skillset. All gas tanks are opened differently. Outside, inside, hidden lever, push, pull, driver side, passenger side. Once I literally had to GOOGLE ON MY IPHONE how to open a gas tank on one of my rentals. Proving my theory that Smart Phones are making people dumber.

Windshield wipers? Forget it. Defrost? Not a chance. Then again, I can't figure defrost out in any car, so I guess I can't discriminate against rentals in this scenario. Does anyone know how that works?

To return the rental car in Dallas today, I literally had to follow a treasure map to the rental car building - after driving completely through the airport, which may be bigger than the city of Madison. But when you got to the destination, instead of a chest of jewels they charge you $600 and make you ride a shuttle bus. The rental car builidng was approximately 54 miles from the airport.

Made it though, in plenty of time (obviously) and am now lined up to watch the presidential debate with an eclectic group of travellers. I'll try to be as controversial as possible. Just kidding. I'll probably play Scramble with Friends and buy candy.

I'm excited because I just spent 10 nights in a row in a hotel so I'm home tonight!! :) I've spent 58 nights in a hotel so far this year -- I'm super pumped when I think about 2 months of useless rent payments. At least I have this radiant sun tan from all my awesome, exciting, adventurous travels!

See ya later, Oooooooooooooooookhlahoma!.

Bitter is the New Black

I'm spending another night alone in my Oklahoma hotel room with a microwaveable dinner. That sounds like either the start of a really bad country song or the premise of a hit E! reality television show.

I mentioned in my last post that I follow some fashion blogs.  The Pumpkin Spot (by my boyfriend's sister) and Design Darling (by a Bucknell classmate) are my two favorites, and they each are upbeat with their unique styles.

However, I think there could be a niche market for a fashion blogger who actually knows nothing about fashion but specializes in being a sarcastic bitch. So that's what I'm going for tonight (it's weird, but there's not much going on in Ardmore...). Wherein I pretend to be a fashion blogger:

Hello fashionable followers! While browsing J. Crew and ShopBop I came across 7 fashion picks that were just too perfect not to post.  :) I added them all to my inexistent pinterest (after rush delivering them!) and you should, too:

1.

Why dress up like Dr. Quinn the medicine woman only on halloween when you can wear this wide leg jumpsuit bi-weekly? It's like a Denver Broncos-colored plaid recipe for success. The only problem is, I have so may wide leg jump suits I might have to donate one to goodwill to make room for this new one in my closet! For a mere $695 you can't afford not to buy it.  

2.

Everyone knows J. Crew's specialty is selling ordinary clothing for extraordinary prices, but if I ever buy a white turtleneck for $50 can somebody please intervene by checking me into an insane assylum? Or, if I ever wear any turtleneck can someone please intervene by shooting me?

No one over the age of 5 looks good in a turtle neck unless you're Beyoncé in THIS VIDEO 

3.

The only thing potentially less flaterring than a turtleneck is a romper. At least you can wear a hoodie over a turtle neck and still look respectable. Through my estimations, about 13% of the general population look naturally good in rompers. Keep in mind that if the model looks awkward, you're probably not going to rock it better than someone who earns a living by wearing clothing. Also keep in mind that rompers are the rich-man's halter top.

4.

Right when you thought overalls were exclusively for white trash mixers, Shop bop comes out with a $350 steal. Perfect to wear while driving your tractor, browsing local flea markets, or painting your guest room. The convenient Capri-length makes these versatile for all seasons. In the wintery months, pair this with the J. Crew white turtle neck for what I like to call "The worse possible use of 400 dollars."

5.

When you run out of toilet paper and you're considering wiping your butt with $40, you're going to think to yourself "Why don't I have a multi-colored paisley silk square I could use instead in this dreadful scenario?!" And you're going to regret not buying this.

6.

 Who says Zenon the girl of the 21st century isn't a trend-setter? For only half a grand, you could rock this tin-man inspired look. Just do be careful not to wear them on a "gold" jewelry day!

7.

 I can't imagine any professional situation when I wouldn't want to be wearing J. Crew's $695 melon sequins skirt -- unless, of course, I'm wearing the "sunset gold" rendition. The good thing about the latter is I can fearlessly eat hotdogs dripping with mustard! The good thing about the former is, as long as I don't leave the house while wearing it, I can't imagine anyone making fun of me for it.

Hope you enjoyed my picks! :) At least you can feel good about yourself for all the money you didn't spend on the above items. Also, note that I got the title to this post from one of my favorite memoirs: Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office by Jennifer Lancaster.

She actually had a 6 word story contest where I earned honorable mention! (I blog brag about it in this post from April 2011)

I recommend reading it (and any of her books) if you like the "sarcastic bitch" voice. I know I do!

Fashion Forward

My twin sister visited Madison - and since she's been threatening to submit my name to  What Not To Wear we went on a shopping spree so I could "revamp my wardrobe."

Surprising fact about me: I religiously follow a couple of fasion blogs. I would endorse them here and all, but that's kind of like an obese person saying "You should totally check out my gym, you guys!" between bites of potatoe chips.

Last week I went 3 days straight without brushing my hair because I thought I lost my brush while traveling (turns out I didn't look hard enough in my suitcase....oops). That's unrelated to fashion blogs, but I just thought the public sphere should know what a great catch I am and start envying my boyfriend.

So, while out and about, my sister noticed my belt and decided a twintervention was necessary:

"Joyce, is that a ribbon belt from Aeropostale?"

"Maybe"

"Joyce, we wore that in 6th grade, you need to get rid of it immediately!!!!!"

The funny thing is, a co-worker had noticed it recently and said, "Wow, I think I had that in pink, like, legitamitely 12 years ago." to which I responded, "Me too." (I don't know what happened to my pink rendition :( I also had it in white with multi colored hearts.)

Becky won the twintervention, and I bought a replacement belt at Lands' End....nothing says maturity like going from Aeropostale to Lands End, I suppose. Now if only I could go from hot dogs to salads. And fruit snacks to veggies.

However, I feel that a part of my childhood slowly slipped away as I disposed of my last remaining Aero item:

wasn't even worthy of Goodwill

Remember when anything with a sparkly 87 made you cool? And, if you wanted to be more mature you wore the powder blue pull over fleece with Aeropostale in cursive in the upper right corner. And, oh my gosh, I love how this shirt has a random name of a fictitious place I totally need it because Britney wore one like it, but in pink, to 5th period computer lab yesterday:



American Eagle -- I got rid of this within the last month. Equally embarrassing.
Also, I can't figure out how to rotate this picture.

In addition to my belt, I bought 3 sweaters. One from J. Crew, one from Banana Republic and one from Francesca's....and, let me tell you, they are super useful down here in Oklahoma, y'all.

All in all, I appreciate the fashion help (shout out to a cool twin sister!) People often ask me if I like having a twin, which, for the record, is a really stupid question because I don't know anything else. I always feel like retorting "Do you like not having a twin? And exisiting independentely of a twin? Do you like your life?" But, the answer is a resounding yes, having a twin rocks, and I kind of feel bad for anyone who doesn't. Yep, I pity a majority of the general population. Who's going to tell you when you need to ditch your ribbon belt from 2001?!

Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain

I'm spending the week in Ardmore, Oooooklahoma. That's one of those statements where, if I reached the end of my life and never got to say it, I would be perfectly content.

Kind of like the sentences "I just dropped my cell phone in the toilet" and "I waited 27 hours for the cable guy" and "I drove 2 miles in 2 hours"

Now that I think about it, this blog may be nothing but a vessel to hold such sentences.

Anyway, Ardmore! So far, it's about exciting as anticipated. Meaning, I have a view of an IHOP out of my hotel window and opted to eat Lean Cuisine for my reiumbursable dinner.  Also, on the drive from DFW airport to Ardmore, I saw more pick up trucks in an hour and a half than I have seen cumulatively over the course of my life to date. It's bound to be a fun week.

I don't know much about Ardmore, but I'm guessing it will be hot this week. The reason I'm only guessing is I never check the weather.

That's only a bit of an understatement. I bet I check the weather an average of 1.5 times a year. I don't even glance at the weather app on my iPhone. I just keep it around because the sun is pretty and I can pretend it's always 73. There's two reasons I don't check the weather:

1. It seems everyone else in the world does, so I pawn off the work on them.
2. I don't really care what the weather is.

Reason #1 is always true. It's totally appropriate to talk to total strangers about the weather, and also helps you seem friendly and outgoing, so why not put the responsibility on them? Also, that way, if the weather's dead wrong, which it often is, you don't feel like you've been scammed by meteorology experts who've spent their entire lives trying to perfect weather prediction. It's much more comforting for me to think, "Maybe my dentist's secretary was confused." than "Turns out the weather man is a f*ckin liar."

Reason #2 is almost always true. The rare exception being if weather is going to delay a personal flight. For example, I'm going to wear the same grey dress pants, black shoes, and maroon shirt that I wore on site for my last 23 work trips tomorrow whether it's 50 degrees or 98 degrees. (However, my sister visited for the past two weekends and helped me "revamp" my wardrobe - post on that to come wherein I pretend to be a fashion blogger :) )

When I think about the weather, I always think of this Panic! At the Disco song lyric:

"I know it's sad, that I never gave a damn about the weather, and it never gave a damn about me."

The song's called Do You Know What I'm Seeing? and it's from the Panic! album called Pretty Odd ... although Rap and Country are my two favorite music genres, I love this CD, probably because it reminds me of my youngest sister who loved Panic! for quite some time. (and yes, I actually still have the physical copy of the burned CD in my car because I think it's 1995 and multi-CD players are cutting-edge technology.)

Coincidentally, that quote is actually exactly how I feel about politics, too. [Although a few readers (aka friends) have requested I write a post on politics...I'm considering writing it, but I like to be liked.]

Other than it likely being hot, not sure what to expect from Ardmore - my customer actually goes live tomorrow (woo hoo!) so I'm sure it will be a busy week. Hopefully I'm not distracted by all the crazy landscapes around here. Here's some pictures I snapped last time I was driving around the state of OK for work (between OKC and El Reno):

for the record, my co-worker and I tried to find Garth Brooks' home...but failed.

So, as long as the scenery calms down I should be able to focus on my go live :) Hope you all have great, or at least, tolerable, weeks :)

p.s. you should all check out the Oklahoma link above if you're intested in seeing Hugh Jackman in musical mode before his Wolverine days.

The Elder Wand

Sometimes the best time to write is when you feel as if you have nothing to say, because, if you do end up saying something, anything, it's a refreshing experience, as you've exceeded your own expectations.

It's kind of like the one day of the week in college when I didn't wear sweatpants. Everyone in class would be all "Oh, my gosh, Joyce, you look so gorgeous in those jeans." Just kidding, that never happened. I went to Bucknell.

If you didn't wear a dress, pearls, and carry a $250 bag to an 8 am class you better reference your summer home or we're all totally going to assume you're white trash. However, when I did wear skinny jeans and my hair down rather than the Nike sweats-ponytail failproof combo, all my teammates would eagerly ask "What's the occasion!?" So that was essentially the same thing as getting hoardes of classmate compliments.

Speaking of my alma mater, I posted this pic spring of my senior year and recently was reading through my old blog posts (duh! you should too ;) -  so I made this my background:

I have gotten 4+ compliments on how pretty the picture is from random customers/co-workers. Even if I'm wearing sweats! The campus was breathtaking in the spring.

Speaking of college, my baby sister went to school Monday. I never felt old when I graduated, but the fact that the youngest is off to college makes me feel ancient. Like, a fossil. If she's in college, I can't be too far off from retirement. I remember distinctly WHEN SHE WAS BORN. It's one of those things about being the oldest child - it is a surreal feeling remembering someone's birth (since you of course can't remember your own) and then watching them go to college. Of course, if you're a parent reading this I'm sure you're thinking "You have no idea."

Brings me to another point: You know you're old when your friends start having kids on purpose. I mean, when did facebook turn into document-life-milestones-including-engagements-weddings-and-babies-book?

No fear though, I'm still using FB exclusively to post stupid statuses and blog posts. Like this one. You're welcome.

(p.s. The title of this post was originally "Elder" due to feeling old with Baby leaving the nest, but obviously that was kind of weird so I made it into a random Harry Potter reference. Equally, if not more, weird - but unarguably better. Thus, more evidence of my hypothesis "Harry Potter references are better than non-Harry Potter references.")

Nomadic

Why even have the death penalty when you could force criminals to take early ass flights with crying babies and tight connections?

Even worse, when you get to your connecting gate and your plane is delayed because of "maintenance." Honestly, I'd rather hear "hurricane" over the loud speaker than "maintenance." At least you know a hurricane will pass.

Delays for maintenance are your cue to find another flight or, better yet, method of transportation. Maybe it's finally time to take up horseback riding. Michelle made it look fun in Full House, before the whole traumatic series-ending accident. (Is too much FH knowledge embarassing?)

Is this so-called maintenance delay really worth the next 4 hours of your life where, every half hour they'll come over the loud speaker screaming about another 30 minute push back until HEY-OH it's 11:55pm, there's no plane, and spending Christmas Eve in a Detroit hotel isn't that bad, is it? Here's a $6 meal voucher to compensate. I'm still bitter about that, DELTA.

I understand in the intereview they told me I'd be traveling and I said I liked travel. But you know what, I also said I was organized.

The long-awaited honest opinion on whether or not I like traveling is finally here: "I suck at driving, and do I look like I fit on an airplane?!"

New addition to my bucket list: fly a round trip without banging my head at some point.

I know this blog post is coming off as whiney and complainy but I just consulted my calendar and I've traveled for work 15 of the last 18 weeks. You should do that without complaining, and when you do, I will erect a statue in your honor and put it in the Parthenon because you're clearly a divine being, and too bad polytheism isn't all the rage anymore or we would totally all worship you. And you could bless us with on-time flights, short security lines, close connecting gates, and an endless supply of Biscoffs.

My favorite part of flying! :) Right when you thought I could go a whole post without mentioning desserts.