Bitter is the New Black

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I'm spending another night alone in my Oklahoma hotel room with a microwaveable dinner. That sounds like either the start of a really bad country song or the premise of a hit E! reality television show.

I mentioned in my last post that I follow some fashion blogs.  The Pumpkin Spot (by my boyfriend's sister) and Design Darling (by a Bucknell classmate) are my two favorites, and they each are upbeat with their unique styles.

However, I think there could be a niche market for a fashion blogger who actually knows nothing about fashion but specializes in being a sarcastic bitch. So that's what I'm going for tonight (it's weird, but there's not much going on in Ardmore...). Wherein I pretend to be a fashion blogger:

Hello fashionable followers! While browsing J. Crew and ShopBop I came across 7 fashion picks that were just too perfect not to post.  :) I added them all to my inexistent pinterest (after rush delivering them!) and you should, too:


Why dress up like Dr. Quinn the medicine woman only on halloween when you can wear this wide leg jumpsuit bi-weekly? It's like a Denver Broncos-colored plaid recipe for success. The only problem is, I have so may wide leg jump suits I might have to donate one to goodwill to make room for this new one in my closet! For a mere $695 you can't afford not to buy it.  


Everyone knows J. Crew's specialty is selling ordinary clothing for extraordinary prices, but if I ever buy a white turtleneck for $50 can somebody please intervene by checking me into an insane assylum? Or, if I ever wear any turtleneck can someone please intervene by shooting me?

No one over the age of 5 looks good in a turtle neck unless you're BeyoncĂ© in THIS VIDEO 


The only thing potentially less flaterring than a turtleneck is a romper. At least you can wear a hoodie over a turtle neck and still look respectable. Through my estimations, about 13% of the general population look naturally good in rompers. Keep in mind that if the model looks awkward, you're probably not going to rock it better than someone who earns a living by wearing clothing. Also keep in mind that rompers are the rich-man's halter top.


Right when you thought overalls were exclusively for white trash mixers, Shop bop comes out with a $350 steal. Perfect to wear while driving your tractor, browsing local flea markets, or painting your guest room. The convenient Capri-length makes these versatile for all seasons. In the wintery months, pair this with the J. Crew white turtle neck for what I like to call "The worse possible use of 400 dollars."


When you run out of toilet paper and you're considering wiping your butt with $40, you're going to think to yourself "Why don't I have a multi-colored paisley silk square I could use instead in this dreadful scenario?!" And you're going to regret not buying this.


 Who says Zenon the girl of the 21st century isn't a trend-setter? For only half a grand, you could rock this tin-man inspired look. Just do be careful not to wear them on a "gold" jewelry day!


 I can't imagine any professional situation when I wouldn't want to be wearing J. Crew's $695 melon sequins skirt -- unless, of course, I'm wearing the "sunset gold" rendition. The good thing about the latter is I can fearlessly eat hotdogs dripping with mustard! The good thing about the former is, as long as I don't leave the house while wearing it, I can't imagine anyone making fun of me for it.

Hope you enjoyed my picks! :) At least you can feel good about yourself for all the money you didn't spend on the above items. Also, note that I got the title to this post from one of my favorite memoirs: Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office by Jennifer Lancaster.

She actually had a 6 word story contest where I earned honorable mention! (I blog brag about it in this post from April 2011)

I recommend reading it (and any of her books) if you like the "sarcastic bitch" voice. I know I do!


  1. Hahahah. Oh Joyce, this is brilliant.

  2. Thank you for inspiring me to be Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman for Halloween this year ;)