Why you should unfriend me

Monday, January 7, 2013

Recently, I've been thinking about going on a facebook "cleanse." You know, where you don't log into facebook for a month. I like pretending I possess the will power to do that. Says the girl who's never eaten less than four Oreos in one sitting.

I'm not exactly sure why this cleansing idea appeals to me. On an unrelated note, I've drawn the conclusion that I would rather die alone as a cat lady than ever get professional engagement photos.

If you've recently posted engagement photos, I assure you that it's absolutely normal, and they are quite pretty. Honestly. I am the one with the problem, not you. TRUST ME. See all 143 previous blog posts for proof.

Back to the point of this post: if you're bulimic, why use a toothbrush when your newsfeed is free? You can't honestly tell me that your newsfeed doesn't annoy you more often than not. Unless I'm just the most irritable person on the planet, which is extremely probable.

For example, does anyone else get annoyed by excessive niceness? On a plane the other day, the girl seated by me asked a guy to put her coat in the overhead compartment. It took him approximately 22 seconds to complete the requested task. And then she thanked him as if he had just died on the cross for our sins. He literally STOOD UP. He did not give you one million dollars. If that's the standard you have to offer profuse thanks, you have a distorted view of reality. Have you ever actually needed help?

Anyway, one thing I'd truly miss about facebook is going through my friends' weekend pictures and realizing that basically everyone on the social network is cooler than I am. I think this was only illuminated by New Years Eve -- where everyone goes all out, at least in their documentation.

At least on a normal Friday night if I stay in, drink wine and read Game of Thrones or Harry Potter I can say the next morning: "Oh really, you went to four bars in New York City in a Gucci dress with 17 friends in a limo? Well, Dumbledore's still alive in this book. SUCK IT."

But in the days after NYE, as I perused photos of acquaintances I came to the sad realization, "Well, shit. Most of my friends didn't spend their NYE dancing with crepe paper while wearing yoga pants."

I also came to another devastating epiphany thanks to NYE photos: you guys, I think lipstick is coming back in style.

Conversation on the phone with my boyfriend about said travesty:

Me: It looks like lipstick is coming back in style, so I think I'm going to have to get a sex change.
Him: Joyce, don't you think you could do something a little less drastic....like, I don't know, DON'T wear lipstick?
Me: But then I wouldn't be "in." I obviously have to be "in."
Him: Hygiene's been "in" for a while and that hasn't impacted you.

He has a point, so I think I'll steer clear of any drastic surgeries for the time being.

But, lipstick? Seriously? As if drying my hair and wearing strapless bras isn't torture enough? I can't remember when the last time lipstick was in, but I'm pretty sure women couldn't vote then. Also, through my unofficial estimations I'm guessing lipstick is probably somewhere between $18-$51 a tube and that's 18 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers I'd rather eat. Or, better yet, approximately 94 Oreos. That's like 8 separate sittings.

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