Yesterday was national post "My mom is the best ever" on facebook, so you guys, let's talk statistics.

I wish some honest child had posted, "My mom is the 900th best mom ever" because, considering there's billions of moms in the world, we're still talking better than top 0.001% and that's legitimately impressive. I'm going to assume the 900th best mom in the world packages chips into individual zip lock bags for daily school lunches and never misses a sporting event.

I spent my Mother's Day hanging out with my boyfriend in Arkansas. I know what you're thinking "Worst child ever" but, I did send a card and gave my mom a call, so let's talk statistics...

Also, notably, my mom spent her Mother's Day moving my middle sister out of her college house. So, suddenly I'm at least above one other child out there on the child charts. :) kidding, Grace.

I decided against posting a status yesterday because everyone was doing it and I'm a total free spirit ;) But, if we're being honest, my mom is giving the number one mom in the world a run for her money, and I can mathematically prove that through examples. I was a statistics TA in college, so don't question me.

First example: pie.

Julie C. makes baking look as easy as sweeping the kitchen floor. So my whole life I thought baking must be a breeze. Then I tried baking and may have ended up sobbing on my flour-coated kitchen floor. Homemade pie crust is HARDER THAN MOST THINGS. And my mom will do it while helping one of my sisters do algebra, another apply to college, all the while teaching me how this whole credit-card thing works.

If I inherit a quarter of her kitchen skills I will consider my future family lucky. My mom's chocolate chip cookies are legendary on any team that I (or any of my sisters) have ever played on. Even throughout college, she'd always mail me an entire tuppeware container of fresh-baked tollhouses and tell me to "share them with the team!" (which I usually did, if they made it out of my dorm room.) Which brings me to my second example...

Example 2: taking "soccer mom" to a whole new level.

One of the funniest part of the whole 2008 "Sarah Palin should maybe be Vice President of our country" pitch was how they branded her as a soccer mom. I would always just look at her and think not impressed. My mom was a basketball, volleyball, gymnastics, track and field, cross country, and softball mom. Three sports at the collegiate level. Driving hours (and hours and hours) to support each of her daughters from one weekend to the next for years (and years!)

Oh, and she was a cheerleading mom for one year. But we try not to mention that in public, and hide it as one of our dark family secrets. Thanks, Becky.

Example 3: everything else

This is the part in my blog where I realize perhaps arguing about how great my mom is should have been a Masters' Thesis, rather than a blog post, which is made to be read in one sitting.

So, before I make everyone else in the world jealous, I'll wrap things up. Thanks for everything, Mom! I've learned so much from you over the years, and can't thank you enough. Happy Belated Mother's Day! I love you!

the worst part of Biz Cas / a challenge to fashion bloggers

I pretend to be a lot of things, but fashionable is not one of them. I'm all about comfort and dropping big bucks on the occasional pair of lululemon pants, but thus far I haven't been featured in any fashion blogs as an inspiration for others. And trust me, I would know. I Read. Them.Constantly.

I appreciate fashion in a weird way considering how little I show it in my wardrobe (I think Meryl's legendary monologue about cerulean in The Devil Wears Prada is where my respect for fashion stemmed.) But there's one piece of clothing I just don't understand. It's mere existence baffles me.

Pantyhose. Aka Nylons. Aka the single worse thing to ever happen to the business casual dress code since padded shoulders.

So, I challenge you fashion bloggers with this question: WHY? 

Just thinking about putting them on makes me want to put in my notice and start training to become an astronaut. Because a SPACE SUIT looks SIGNIFICANTLY MORE COMFORTABLE.

I recently had to wear some for a work trip, and have you guys ever seen the sizing charts on nylons?

Oh, that's right. They actually assume that no woman would ever be above 6 feet tall. That's not just the one off "I still live in the 1920's and have never heard that girls can now dunk" brand. It's. Every. Single. Brand. Are the makers of pantyhose not familiar in anyway with the modeling industry?

Due to these sizing limitations and being six feet and two inches of solid joy, I get to pick my flavor of discomfort. Should I get the tights made for people who weigh twice as much as I do and try to stretch them vertically, all the while knowing they'll likely fall off my waist at any second OR the ones that fit my waist but  the crotch threatens to be dangerously near to my knees and restricts my range of motion so much that I have to significantly shorten my naturally long strides when walking and hobble around like a penguin?

OR, start wearing space suits on the reg?

so. me.

Regardless of my unique height scenario, let's now operate under the false assumption that I have the option of buying a pair of "hose" that fit. What is the purpose? Considering that we now live and work in climate-controlled buildings, the "warmth" argument is out.

As far as business dress code, I'm not buying it. Do my legs look drastically more professional when covered in an arguably imperceptible sheer layer that is the same color as my skin? 

Also: let's talk quality of product. Pantyhose are like the plastic spoons of the closet. In theory, you could reuse them if you washed them but they're just going to break soon anyway and clearly weren't made to last. Is there a world record holder somewhere who once wore the same pair twice in a row without getting a run in them? 

In sum, due to the fact that wearing a three-piece suit made of exclusively pine needles would be more comfortable, the overall poor quality of the product, and the fact that the manufacturer's do not acknowledge that any woman over 6 feet tall exists, unless a astute fashion blogger can prove me otherwise, I say: let's get rid of them. Remove them from your wardrobe, burn them in the streets. Improve your work environment ever so slightly by either wearing pants or (gasp) bare legs to work. And, if presented the option, lululemon yoga pants are the answer for the most appropriate workplace attire.

twice the chipmunks, half the fun.

I've really had my act together this week.

For example, one day, I packed my own lunch. Amazing, right!? The chances that my future children go to school every single day with Pizza Lunchables just decreased to 89%.

My parents were lunch-making professionals. They had making 4 lunches an evening down to a science. Probably should have started a business. My mom also always went the extra mile in assembling the side-dishes of our lunches. For example, she used to buy big bags of chips and then put them into little individual zip lock bags for me and my 3 sisters.

I distinctly remember sitting by a girl in my 5th grade class who enviously eyed my individually-bagged Doritos and said "Wow. Your mom must really care about you." I didn't get it at the time, but now?! THE EFFORT. I won't even do that for me.

Back to my lunch this week - packed it!!! And then got to my second-floor office in the morning and thought Dang it! I left my lunch in the car. Then walked all the way down to the parking garage and, alas! No lunch.

It was on my kitchen counter.

I also started doing this really cool new thing where I walk to my car at the end of the day (all the way down in the underground parking garage) and realize: I don't have my keys. They're in my office.

It's actually really nice because it forces me to reflect on what I really need in life to get form Point A to Point B. Just kidding, it actually just makes me pissed off. I did it twice this week. Which has to be some sort of record. Or a sign of early stages of dementia.

Despite the above examples suggesting otherwise, this week wasn't exclusively me being the embodiment of a dumpster fire: I also celebrated my half birthday! Had a little family-style dinner with some friends, which as awesome because everyone brought something home made and I brought a cookie cake that said "Thanks!" on it. (Since apparently my half birthday = secretary appreciation day. Which is totally legit, but it reduced the number of pre-made half birthday cookie cakes that were on the shelf.)

In other exciting news, I bought a new bike this week :) And by "new" I mean it's one of my friend's used bikes. I took it for a ride yesterday, and now can't wait to bike around Madison this summer. My instant realization was I should have bought a bike a long time ago.

Well, those are the quick updates from my life - sorry this is only my second April post! Goals for May: more blogging, warmer temperatures, and Pizza Lunchables at least once a week.

Since I apparently can't apparate

You're in luck - my recent flight home has given me some new  complaints to post here! Don't get me wrong, Easter is one of my favorite holidays. It's so much less commercial than Christmas, and I just love this time of year, when the frozen earth finally surrenders to warmth and the world comes alive again.

frozen solid lake: MELTING! (pretty Madison skyline behind)

It's the flying part that always gets me.

As I consider every single aspect of commercial flying my pet peeve, I'm going to narrow this post down to two topics so it isn't longer than the 7th Harry Potter book: children and luggage.

As a side note, does anyone else think re-writing Harry Potter through a "realistic" modern-day lens is a good idea?

Example, 5th book:

Harry (wakes up, alarmed, scar burning), "Oh no! I just had  dream - Sirius is in danger! We must go NOW."

Ron (disheveled, as always): "Bloody Hell, Harry, why don't you just calm down and text him?"

Harry to Sirius: Yo man, you ok?
Sirius to Harry: Ya, just petting Buckbeak and making Kreacher get me butter beer. Why?
Harry to Sirius: No Reason. Go Chudley Cannons!

Ron: "Good. Let's play some Mario Smash Brothers."

Back to the terminal. I always tweet a lot when I'm in airports because I'm pretty sure that's why twitter was invented. A few gems from my Easter excursion:

These obviously make me sound like a heartless bitch which is good because I'm all about transparency. But, seriously, would you pay an upcharge to be on a child-less flight?

I mean, U.S. Airlines collected 3.36 Billion Dollars from Baggage Fees in 2011 might as well make us pay for something that is actually a perk and not just a necessary piece of travel.

Since the cost of checking bags makes me question capitalism as a whole, every one carries on everything. 

There aren't too many downsides of carrying things on. Well, except I have to regularly participate in mortal combat for a space in the overhead bin. And, of course, this:

It's getting to the point that flying commercial is more comical than anything else. I like to imagine that humans weren't actually trying hard when they made the system. Maybe our airline industry is a result of a poorly managed 9th grade group project?

Regardless, warmer weather means one thing that will help us frequent travelers: less chance of flight delays. Just another reason spring coming (albeit late) is really brightening my overall mood :)

everyday i'm shufflin'

Remember my resolution is to run five 5k's this year? Well, I did one! So, come December 31 at most I can be an 80% failure. Holler!

I decided to partake in the "Shamrock Shuffle" on St. Patty's Day - and let me take this opportunity to remind you that I live in Antarctica. The tundra. The North. Within a glacier. Beyond the Wall. Azkaban.

Bottom line: brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Rather than train, I prepared for said race by purchasing super expensive running pants from Lu Lu Lemon (I don't think they're see through) and downloading 3 new jams.

Trying to stay warm in the 18 degree weather before the race began, I took comfort in a previous frigid 5k adventure.

lining up on state street!

 Last winter, I agreed to run a Valentine’s Day 5k with one of my friends. It was 9 degrees outside. I write it off as one of the worst (sober) decisions of my life.

In the frigid chill of the top of the morning Saturday, I kept holding on to that day. Surprisingly, repeating It’s twice as warm as it was then over and over did not keep my fingers from feeling like they were going to fall off.  Life conclusion #1: the theory of relativity only relatively works.

Life conclusion #2:  I need to start celebrating holidays by doing something other than exercising.

Regardless, I started the race strong. In typical “I used to play basketball” fashion, my first mile was decently fast, and my second only slightly slower.

It was almost as if my muscles haven’t been atrophying every day since graduation. Almost.

Since running at a decent pace was getting kind of old, I decided that, rather than run the third mile, I would crawl backwards to the finish line. It was truly a joy, because I got to watch everyone that I passed during the first two miles pass me. It was almost like we were becoming friends. Almost.

Life conclusion #3: next time, buy more new songs. Turns out I can’t run a 5k in the time it takes to play “Gold Digger” “Thrift Shop” and “Call Me Maybe.”

One little girl was friendly to me, though. As I was running up a huge hill (side note: there are ZERO hills in Madison. I think they had them man-made just to torture me in this race), I began to walk, and she grabbed my hand briefly as she ran by and said "you can do it." I found the gesture really sweet, and surprisingly inspirational. I followed her to the finish line, and thanked her after the race. If you've never run a 5k, you should. The atmosphere is overall so positive! Everyone is encouraging and cheering one another on. 4,500 people were racing on Saturday, and the culture was nothing but upbeat and supportive, despite the frigid temperatures. It's like being on a team sport with 4,500 people where no one loses :)

I also found it motivating when the guy in the hot dog costume almost passed me in the last half mile. I may have no endurance, but I have dignity! Hope you all enjoyed your St. Patrick's Days!

No Pope, No Rules

I am Christian, but even though I've never practiced Catholicism, I am still wholeheartedly participating in this tumultuous time in the religious world. I know what you're thinking: Joyce, I can't even tell there's no Pope. But then you'd be missing out on the most socially acceptable time in history to explicitly take oral contraceptives. Also, if there's ever been a time to eat meat on Fridays during Lent: this is it! Because it's a proven fact that everyone likes pepperoni pizzas better than fish, especially on Fridays.

let's be honest

How can I make such a blanket statement when there are hundreds of vegetarians (and even pescetarians) out there running a muck? Proof of my point is, if everyone didn't like meat more, vegetarians wouldn't have to make such a big deal about their vegetarianism. There would just exist these people who didn't eat meat but also didn't label it. Catch my drift? I don't eat croutons. But you don't hear me screaming it from the roof tops.

I'd like to see a reality TV show that attempts to hunt down secret vegetarians and vegans who don't remind you about it at every breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

But now I'm making fun of people with unusual eating habits and I've strayed from mocking Catholicism - back to our Pope conundrum!

I was watching the news this weekend (not on purpose, came on right after basketball ), and they were talking about how the Vatican is trying to get a new Pope because they must be under the impression that someone cares about this. I mean I totally volunteered and stuff, but apparently they found out about the one time I stole Skittles in third grade. 

Anyway, there was an awesome quote that went something like "These religious leaders will be meeting in the next few days to have what they like to call discussions."

I like that our religious leaders aren't having just plain "discussions" but are holding "what they like to call discussions." So. Much. More. Devout. Therefore, I'm determined to use this tactic to increase the perception of my overall importance in life.

Example A: "Regarding that issue, I will send you what I like to call an email."

Additionally, I saw this baller tweet from Steve Martin:

Moral of the story: using the above strategies, my life anecdotes are becoming exponentially more fascinating.

Example B: In my highly anticipated trip to the hotel's fitness center, I ran what I like to call a mile.

Example C: In my highly anticipated first blog post of March, this is what I like to call the end.

Light at the end

I don't want to jump the gun, but I think I'm going to make it through February again this year. Accomplishments of the month include going to the gym two consecutive days, almost filing my taxes correctly, and getting a haircut. I don't like bragging on the internet, but, look at that list! I'm now convinced that I'm at least partially divine.

I've been on a bit of a blogging  hiatus, as I met two of my sisters in San Juan, Puerto Rico for a long weekend. It was a wonderful time and I'm grateful that I had the chance to go. We saw Old San Juan (including Castillo de San Cristobal and El Morrro) and El Yunque (the national rain forest) as well as spending a lot of quality R&R time on the beach.

Also, amazingly, all 12 of the flights the 3 of us had to take to get to and from PR worked out smothly. To say I constantly stress about missing my connecting flights is like saying I kind of like Harry Potter. Hello, understatements. I'm totally nonchalant about actually flying but SERIOUSLY the anxiety I have about tight connections stays on my mind for days prior to the flight, and in the hours leading up to flight one I chew my finger nails down like a rabbit with ADD. On the way there, I had myself convinced I'd be stuck in Atlanta and have to sail to Puerto Rico after hitch hiking to Florida.

so green! 

El Yunque via windows up to the Observation Tower

Anyone else wish hitch hiking was still a thing? I once did pick up hitch hikers - they were two boys from my high school, it was summertime, and I was driving down a road in my township, probably a junior in high school. They looked absolutely shocked when I pulled over to pick them up. I knew them, we weren't friends, but I drove them home. Because, why not? They wanted to go home.

Old San Juan

I understand safety is important so hitch hiking is a thing of the past, to only live on when my grandma talks about her childhood - but I think helping people get home is important too. At some point, all the walls we build to protect ourselves block out everyone else. Coming home is always a refreshing part of vacation, and I was happy to sleep in my own bed last night.

I'm hoping these photos are a reminder to assure you that MARCH IS COMING  :) I'm sure none of you have calendars to let you know when dates change and stuff, so thank goodness I'm here to fill you in on the seasons. If they had an Oscar for "the must useful blog of the year" we all know who the winner would be and anyone who's ever walked next to me knows I'm better at falling up stairs than Jennifer Lawrence.

I came to the conclusion that I'd like to vacation in February every year for the rest of my life. Not sure if that will be possible but I'll give it a shot. It was a nice way to end the month I dread....I can smell the Shamrock Shakes and imagine the green grass patches of March, and I'm already fantasizing about my March Madness bracket! Happy Tuesday! :)