I've started attending trendy exercise classes.

The 20-year old me just scoffed, gulped some Gatorade, and benched her third 10-rep set of 140lbs. And then proceeded to run 20 suicides in 20 minutes.

Note to my remaining active D-1 athlete friends: at some point between one and five years from now you will find yourself at yoga/spinning/pure barre/body pump/etc. and then you can thank me for the warning.

After graduating college, at first I went to the gym regularly. Then I went to the gym on occasion. Then I belonged to a gym and hardly went.  

Funny enough, as the frequency of my gym attendance decreased, the amount that I sweat when I actually attended also decreased. Dramatically.

True story: I once drove to the gym, jogged 8 minutes on a treadmill, then left. It was then I realized that I might need to supplement my gym routine with something else.

Like most things, I blame this lack of intrinsic fitness motivation on having a full time job. Given the option, I’d recommend against having a full time job, if you can avoid it. 

I’ve tried a variety of exercise classes. This post will focus on yoga - but I have also attended Cyc and Pure Barre. (When they tell you to purchase $12 socks, just say no.)

This is exactly how I don't look when I "practice" yoga

Yoga : Madison :: Cheese : Madison

(Thanks, SATs for forcing me to learn verbal analogies a decade ago – this is my first applied use! I don’t think I nailed it. I related both things to the same thing. Sigh. Maybe ten years from now when I try to make another one, I’ll do better.)

There’s a TON of yoga in Madison. Hot yoga, regular yoga, yoga barre. I can probably walk to 4 different yoga studios from my apt. (Not that I walk anywhere when it's sub-arctic temperatures. Also, laziness.)

But the massive number of local studios is not why I go. I also don't go for the relaxing yet strengthening pose work. I go because I have to justify the hoards of yoga pants that I own.

I own what can only be classified as an unacceptably embarrassing number of pairs of yoga pants. Since I wear almost exclusively yoga pants, I took it on myself to learn how to downward dog, etc. for fear that someone would call me out one day. Child's pose is my fave. Duh.

child's pose doesn't look like this, fyi

I thoroughly enjoy yoga (most of the time) and thoroughly enjoy wearing yoga pants all the time. They are exponentially more comfortable than jeans. Jeans don't fit 6' 2" people, generally speaking. My job doesn't have a dress code, so when I'm not traveling (about one week a month), I wear them to work. I also fix my hair about once a quarter, whether or not I'm traveling. I wore my hair down last week and 5 people complimented it! It's all about lowering expectations, people. I'm talking to you, Miss "I-would-never-not-wear-make-up." This whole "setting the bar so low you can trip over it" thing is surprisingly beneficial, especially in terms of appearance.

More than the comfy attire, yoga has a lot of great things about it! But this has never been a super positive blog: so let me vent a tiny bit here.

My biggest gripe with yoga is that the quality of the session is very dependent on the teacher. Since my job forces me to roam the country like a nomad, sleeping night after night in hotel (I write this from a hotel bed covered in the remnants of chocolate-covered cashews), and spending most of my weekday evenings in airports fighting other weary travelers for outlets, it’s impossible for me to regularly go to the same teacher. So I always feel like I’m rolling the dice a little when I randomly select a class based entirely on my dynamic work schedule.

Sometimes, yoga is a wicked hard work out that leaves me stretched out and rejuvenated, and other times most of the class is spent lying on your back with your eyes closed thinking about your intention, and you can simply place your hand on your belly if you want the instructor to cover you up with a blanket. I can’t make this shit up. On occasion, I walk out of a studio thinking "I need to go for a run" and then totally don't run. 

Regardless, I definitely recommend trying it out! I'd ask around to see which studios and which instructors are the best. It's a lot more controlled than my previous college athlete workout routine (flipping tires and running hills and stuff) and I appreciate that! Sometimes its nice to workout without being yelled at.

Most importantly, it's a healthy way to justify my lulu lemon collection. Now if only I could find a healthy way to justify my Essie nail polish obsession.

namaste, homies.

A fresh start

I'm back from a travel-filled blogging hiatus!

Thankfully my travel wasn't all for work, and I was able to go home for the holidays! I've been to South Dakota, New York, St. Louis, Pittsburgh, and Delaware since the last time I blogged (and some Wisconsin time in between!)

decorative snapshot from home sweet home

I did find out that I spent 91 nights in 2013 in a Marriott though - talk about depressing. That's 25% of the year. And 25% of the rent payments I made were officially pointless.

There's something about long hours in airports that zaps every creative instinct I have out of me. My inspiration dissipates more and more as my flight gets more and more delayed.

Suddenly, Temple Run on my iPad is the only thing I am capable of doing and navigating to a bathroom with my luggage seems like an unconquerable feat. And maybe I'll prep for that meeting tomorrow morning. But, I was so close to the high score. And maybe I should blog. Gate change. The new gate is conveniently a marathon away. Another delay.

At this point, it's more likely I'll compete in Sochi for figure skating than make my connecting flight. I am now down to focusing on basic physical functioning and any social or emotional or creative capabilities I once had have vanished into thin air, like my connecting flight, without me.

Thus, the blogging has been sparse. And for that, I apologize. As with most things, I blame commercial airlines. (But I'd be remiss if I did not take partial blame. :))

However, there is something refreshing about December 31 turning into January 1 that for some reason doesn't happen when July 31 turns into August 1 or September 30 turns into October 1. The only actual change is my dates now end in "4" rather than "3" but, metaphorically, we all get a clean state. A fresh start.

And, no matter how man-made it is, I'll take a fresh start if the world decides to give me one. (Thanks, Julius Caesar!)

{Also, can anyone tell how long months are without starting from January on a raised knuckle? If so, you are better at being an adult than I am.}

In sum, I'm going to try to blog more in this brand new year (and travel less). I hope you will come along for the ride! :) Happy Fresh Start!

Crumbling Resolutions aka "Being Human"

As I posted about here, it was my New Years Resolution to run five 5k's in 2013. So, I'm here to offer you an update in case some of you turn to my blog as an inspirational source. (Side note: don't do that. Anyone who thinks that running 15.5 cumulative miles in a calendar year is something to strive for likely shouldn't be your motivational beacon.)

As most resolutions do, mine started off relatively well when I ran the Shamrock Shuffle through the Madison tundra in March.

Then, I ran a "Color Me Pink" 5k in April with Becky through Kings Island outside of Cincy. This one was easy because I'm pretty sure it was actually about 2.5 miles through an amusement park, where most people had strollers. That's my kind of 5k!

Of course, when the people running with strollers pass you, embarrassment ensues.

At that point, I was basically shredding my resolution. Two 5k's in four months!? Had I set the bar entirely too low?! Was it possible I should have aimed to run 30 5k's?! Or maybe 4 marathons!? Or maybe I should have tried out for the US Olympic Track Team!?

Could this be my future!?! (hint: absolutely f*cking not)

It was growing warmer and my 5k numbers were looking promising, so come early May I was feeling mighty accomplished about my fitness goals. I decided to rest on my laurels for a time, and bask in my fitness glory. This was a huge mistake.

In May I ran zero 5k's (basking in the glory of April and March, clearly.)

In June, also zero. Still basking.

July: The weather was too perfectly accommodating to do any of that running business. Plus, there's basking to be done.

August.  At this point basking looks a lot like "eating fro yo three times a week and occasionally considering doing a few crunches" 

And suddenly, in mid-September, I'm looking at a mere 2 of 5 races complete, and, since I live in a climate which is hardly habitable for mankind, I can feel winter rolling in.

I actually did convince my boyfriend to run the Zoo Run Run with me -

I like this picture because it reminds us it wasn't always freezing in Madison.

So now I'm up to three! But that isn't the point of this post. The point of the post is this - in one of my very first posts ever on this blog I posted about how the concept of NY Resolutions are like, the worst.

So here's my question to mankind: Why do we have to have goals? Why does everything need to be firmly planned out in order to be deemed accomplish-able?

This is coming from an extremely goal-oriented girl. But, sometimes, I just think life would be less stressful without them. So, if you have goals that you're not meeting - I just want to let you know: it's okay. We all do. I don't think being human is about putting check marks on a giant list of things to do. Spend a little more time on New Years celebrations and a little less time on New Years resolutions. Focus on people in your life, not things. And always remember to bask.

Happy November :)

p.s. Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

No post since August 4?! I have evidently stepped my blogger game down.

Being as high profile as I am, there are naturally several circulating theories about my unexplained absence, my favorite being that once you visit the Mitchell Corn Palace, there isn't much to life after that, and any experience pales in comparison.

(That's actually the only theory I've heard, but it's dead on.)

Nonetheless, I've been able to pick myself up out of my post-corn-palace slump and am back to update you on the happenings of my life. 

Some exciting things actually have happened in the past few months, regardless of my apparent inability to document them. To name a few:

1. I visited my twin sister Becky in Seattle, Washington

2. I attended not one, not two, but THREE weddings.

3. I tried to buy a pair of long jeans at "the buckle" but failed miserably to a find a pair that doesn't look like it was bedazzled by a third grader with ADHD

4. I went on 189 business trips, gaining 30 million Marriott points and experiencing 1400 flight delays.

5. One of these trips included a detour to Branson, Missouri. (Think: the Wisconsin Dells with a Bible belt twist)

6. More than one of these trips included buying bulk candy from the MSP candy store

7. My boyfriend, Stephen, who I had been dating long distance for nearly 2.5 years moved to Madison!!

So, if you feel I've been neglecting you, my fellowship of beloved readers, do not fear, as I have been neglecting many people and responsibilities in my life. I realize this tactic "don't worry it's not just you - I am neglectful all around" likely doesn't make you feel any better about humanity - so here's a kitten:

When I am feeling down about humanity, I find it refreshing to turn to something not-human. Be it googling baby animals, or simply hiking around a lake, sometimes non-human things re-ignite my love for mankind. I also enjoy re-focusing on Church. And sometimes I eat entire bags of sour patch kids.  :) I don't actually have any pets (due to my inability to care for my iPhone, and experience with a demonic kitten in college -- miss ya minnie!) but I did take a recent trip to the UW Arboreteum - here are some snaps showcasing a beautiful Wisconsin fall day:

all photos by Stephen

For whatever reason, these pictures remind me of a quote I recently heard in a TED talk:

"If all the insects on earth became extinct, all life as we know it would come to an end in the next 50 years. If all humans became extinct, all other life would flourish in the next 50 years."

I can't find the accredited author, but I find the quote both sad and inspiring. In the same way that I imagine determining that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around the earth must have been a simultaneously disappointing and freeing discovery.

Welp, that's it for a pathetic blog post. Consider this a rebound-post (like a rebound-boyfriend), one that comes between a real post and another real post, but isn't in itself super great - just a transitional way to get me back in the blogosphere.

I am coincidentally about to board a plane to South Dakota - but will be sure to update you guys again soon :) Happy October!

Royal Happenings

Note: I wrote this a couple of weeks ago - but was too lazy to put the pictures in it. So, this counts as my "July post" even though I didn't get my act together until August :) Also, all the time references (e.g. "today" isn't actually today) are wrong, but I'm not going to fix them or that would take another 2 weeks.

Being always in the know (read: on twitter), I obviously am aware that a little heir was just born across the pond. While the Brits may be celebrating a royal milestone, I recently had a royal experience myself: I went to the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota.

Or, as I like to call it "The Taj Mahal of the Midwest."

It's obviously hard to talk about anything except for the corn palace since my visit there, but I don't get why people think it's such a big deal that other people are making a big deal about the royal baby. You follow? It's a baby! It's exciting! I found out a co-worker's wife was having a baby today and I got visibly excited! I haven't even seen the co-worker in 8 months.

Also, every time I hear of someone having a baby I get excited that it's one more female going to be a mom who isn't me. Not that I don't want to reproduce in the future,  I am just not to the point where I think to myself - "Hey, I've totally mastered this whole 'life' thing. I should teach someone else how to do it!"

For example, I can't keep my cell phone charged. So I'm not sure how that speaks to my ability to raise a living, breathing, contributing member of society.

Also, the thought of paying my electricity bill drives me into a state of panic. This state of panic occurs monthly, but no matter how many times I try, I can't get auto-pay to work.

So, I think, before you decide that you should be another human's guide in life - ask yourself a couple of key questions: Is your car registration up to date? Have you ever independently gone to the dentist without your mom scheduling the appointment? Did you just eat Wheat Thins, cream cheese, and 6 packs of fruitsnacks for dinner?

And if you answer "no" "no" "yes" maybe you should give it a couple years. This 3-question method could drastically improve our overpopulation issue.

Back to the corn palace - a place I aspire to some day return to. For those of you who don't know what the Mitchell Corn Palace is, first of all, do you actually live in a cave with no wireless? Second off, it's exactly what it sounds like.

A physical monument of hope in central South Dakota covered in murals made entirely out of corn.

Example A: Mount Rushmore Made Out of Corn

Begging the question, why see the stone version?

They change these murals annually - so this might have to be a perennial trip! (If not more frequent)

Exhibit B: Corn Athletes

for you, Fran!

for you, Stephen!

Exhibit C: Nativity Scene, corn style

The best part of the Corn Palace is they keep reminded you that it was one of a kind. Lots of the corn-cessories boasted that it was the "World's Only Corn Palace." Truly, it's a shame their aren't more man-made corn-dedicated tributes.

Adventures in South Dakota

All weekends go by too quickly, and all Mondays generally suck. However, one could convincingly argue that weekends when your long distance boyfriend is in town fly by extra quickly and Mondays when you're traveling to Sioux Falls, South Dakota extra suck. And by "one" I mean "I."

So, at about 7:30pm today I found myself in the Courtyard Marriott of Sioux Falls, SD....which looks strikingly similar to the Courtyard Marriott in Peoria, IL. Fun fact: both are located in mall parking lots. Once checking into my hotel, I decided to get wild in South Dakota. Aka get a pedicure.

I usually don't get mani/pedis because I think they're a waste of time - but it turns out, when I'm in South Dakota, wasting time is exactly what I'm going for.

I wandered into the Sioux Falls mall and immediately saw the aptly named "Nails Time" storefront -- as if God himself was thinking of me when he laid out this generic middle-American suburban shopping center.

Thirty seconds into my Nails Time adventure, I remembered another reason I don't like getting my nails did on the reg -- all the workers are chatting it up in a foreign tongue and I have no idea what they're saying. Since I'm both self-absorbed and paranoid, I usually imagine they're discussing how ugly my feet are, which makes me want to drink acetone.

One time I was getting a pedi in Dayton with my also-tall twin sister, and the lady kept holding up her hand high in the air making the "tall" motion, if you will, while yipping away to her co-worker in an unidentified language. To which I responded "Yep, we're tall." They both seemed shocked! Um, hello. I am fluent in hand gestures. And notably not blind.

Back to Sioux Falls. I was happy to find that Nails Time had time for me. As I was sitting in the massaging chair, I came to the realization that not only was I the only customer in the nail salon under 50, but also the only one not getting something "Red, white, and blue...fun for the 4th of July!"

This made me feel oddly mature. Not a sensation I'm accustomed to.

One special touch about Nails Time was that I was always seated near the entrance so I experienced the joy of listening to two different radios simultaneously. The mall hallway random-90's radio (think: Fergie and the Pussy Cat Dolls) combined with the Nails Time John Tesh radio show. (think: Elton John and "how you can control your road rage by thinking positively.")

So...when do they tour together, P-Diddy?

In addition to the double dose of glorious music and real-life advice ("remember, sometimes you forget to turn off your high beams too."), X-Men was playing on the TV, muted. So I kept trying to read the subtitles, listen to two songs at once, and understand Kevin's thick accent as he told me to "relax my hands" 30 times in a row. He apparently didn't notice how distracting the Fergie, Elton John, and Hugh Jackman combination was. 

Overall, a fairly successful SD night. I don't think I caught any diseases from the tools used at Nails Time (bonus!), and Kevin, my manicurist with disturbingly long fingernails, told me I have really nice nail beds. There's one for the resume!

I know what you're thinking "OMG Joyce why don't you post a filtered instagram pic of you're new mani and pedi!!" The answer is simple - I would rather bathe in a pool of rubbing alcohol and razor blades than post a picture of my feet on here. So I'm going to go with baby otters instead:

I want to propose this solution: any girl, in any state, when you're considering posting a pedicure picture to any form of social media, instead, post a baby otter picture.

Happy Monday, happier Tuesday, homies.

Hosting poorly-themed parties and near death experiences

Last night I may or may not have had a "Red Wedding" themed party, and if you don't know what that means you need to either:

a. Start reading Game of Thrones
b. Start watching Game of Thrones
c. Stop reading my blog if you're annoyed about all the GoT references
d. Keep reading my blog in ignorance.

If I were you, I'd choose "d." because it requires no effort and doesn't deprive you from reading the second greatest writer ever published (The first being George R.R. Martin. If you don't know who that is, do option a.)

Also, I'm not published.

Obvi.

Moving on, in preparation for the party, I did what all good party hostesses do.

1. Cleaned (boring).
2. Bought drinks (boring).
3. Made Sangria (Kind of exciting because I realized I actually have no freaking idea how to slice apples. Reason #72 I feel bad for my future husband.)
4. Bought chips and salsa, sour gummy worms, starburst jelly beans, and gummy lifesavers.
5. Didn't think we had enough sour or gummy things, so I bought these Jolly Rancher two-somes sour gummy combo things. They're ok. Below par of sour gummy candies, but the par of sour gummy candies is every other food group's "way below par" so yeah.

The reason I said I may or may not have had a "Red Wedding" themed party is because four guests came dressed like lumberjacks due to one enthusiastic party attender who decided it should be lumberjack themed and emphasized this with three other people. Everyone else, including me, wore normal clothes.

But, I was telling everyone it was a "Red Wedding" theme because I never don't make a GoT reference when given the option. So I did draw up my House sigil and words. Here's the electronic form:

I can't draw trees or cupcakes, and I sure as hell don't own a functioning printer, so I ripped out a sheet of notebook paper and drew a dog made out of circles that my friend taught me to draw in 7th grade and I've been drawing ever since. Thanks, Alli!

Anywayyyyyy - as you do before any party, I was sitting alone on my couch wondering if anyone was going to show up and betting myself that I could, in fact, finish all the candy tonight single-handedly regardless of if any guests attend,when suddenly, I wasn't alone at all. Rather, I was staring death in the eye.

A f*cking centipede was on the wall above my TV.

Excuse my edited expletive, but am I allowed to start a campaign to make an animal extinct? Because I am guessing more people care about obliterating centipedes entirely from our planet than saving some obscure species of bird. Unless the obscure species of bird only eats centipedes.

Do you guys remember when I had a panic attack over the cricket in my hotel room? 

Well, it was a similar situation and I handled it with the same amount of calmness. Aka none. Tried to kill it with my flip flop, it fell but didn't get squished, I screamed, never found the body, and will never sleep again.

It was then, when I was recovering from my imminent fear and wondering if I could avoid my living room for the rest of my lease (aka through August of 2014) when I thought about it. I thought about canceling the party, booking the nearest hotel room, and sleeping far, far, away from that demonic insect.

But then I remembered my house words.

Never before had I related to Neddard Stark on such a personal level. (I notably have no bastard children.)

Now, when people started rolling in (the pro: people came! the con: less candy for me), some would venture occasionally to the balcony. This was problematic because when they opened the sliding glass door, hoards and hoards of insects flew in, attracted to my lamp. I'm talking probably hundreds over the course of the night.

It's like the centipede was foreshadowing terrible things to come.

Pointless little gnat things that chilled on the wall until I sprayed them all with hairspray or pounded them with my fist in rage. Some party, I know.

My fear of bugs has been getting worse with each year I get older. Which makes 0 sense. My plan is to have kids and teach them to kill bugs for me before I teach them the English language. (Husband could do this but he'll be too busy slicing apples.)

And also to never go camping. My family's version of camping is making s'mores in our portable fire pit in our driveway and then going back into the house after consuming between 3 and 8 s'mores each.

back up family words

Regardless, I will report that, despite the apparent spontaneous bug-theme, the party was successful, the candy is gone, the sangria was a hit, and I am looking to hire an exterminator or move. I'll keep ya posted!